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[分享] Discussion with Miranda

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发表于 2009-9-15 10:20:39 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
就在我十月初即将去印度之际,忽然接到白土窑志愿者Miranda用英文写的一个中期培训的邮件,让我有些惊喜。因为我正在想着如何支持将在印度开始的长期志愿者。这是第一个可以给他们将来看的讨论了。在征得Miranda的同意后,我把它放到论坛上来分享。


Dear Randy,

My name is Miranda, volunteer of the Big Friend program. I attended the interim training early this summer. I know that we were expected to write a feedback afterwards, sorry it took me so long to do so.  It was truly touching during the training and many of the ideas i've been thinking all the time in my daily life.

I went to Baituyao to visit my little girl both in May and last week.  Different feelings for two experiences. I generally know my expectation on this girl and I also understand my role in being accompany with her at the same time.   Soon I realized I had a mistake on my approach.  Here's a small example, when we first started to write letters, she told me she wish to become a fashion designer in the future.  I think it's interesting, even though I know how brutal the competetion reality is in that industry and how lack of her resources is in her environment  comparing with kids who growing up in big cities,  watching  fashion shows and reading  Cosmo magazines, still I made her encouraged on that.  I was even considering to do something to help her accomplish her dream.  Later on through further communications I was aware that she is not interest in either art or drawing pictures at all, which normally are considered the foundation of being a fashion designer.  A few days after that she told me she's now more interested in being an actress after watching some entertainment show on TV.  ---------- I suddently realized this is just a teenage little girl !!  I considered her a mature thinker too much more than a youth who needs guidence from us !!

I don't know whether this also occured to other Big Friend  volunteers. At the very beginning, knowing nothing about this 100% stranger, It's more likely to treat them as equal as adults even though I know the fact that she's just a kid?  So since then I changed my approach, by telling her you're growing up everyday, you will know deeper and deeper about yourself as well as the rest of the world, you will see more amazing things at the same time find your own best interest.  Then even though you may encounter many difficulties yet you still want to devote yourself to that path.  Before that you need to get ready for it by building your knowledge base well, expand your experiences widely then work hard on every day !!

Sometimes she wrote to tell me that she failed on her school test.  Me personally I don't really care about her grades. I always think there are much more important things for a teenager to acquire, integrity,  ability to think independently,  courage to solve problems, will to learn new things,  and of course, a healthy body.  Yet meanwhile I know the crucial fact that study well then good grades is the only way for a rural girl like her to leave her less-developed hometown and try to survive in big cities. Therefore I could only encourage her to find the reasons of the failure test and do harder next time. To be honest I feel very sad about this.

Last week I went to visit her again.  I noticed she was organizing the cleaning job in her classroom and she told me she's the Communist Youth League (CYL) leader of her class.  So I'm going to dig a little bit deeper on her management skills in future communications .  And she told me some of her classmates quit school recently and started to work in restaurants as helpers, she felt sorry for them and she is not going to quit,  she's looking forward to get into high school in Zhangjiakou then university in Beijing !!  I'm very happy for her decision and strongly support it.  

Through talking with her I can still sense the gap between my expectations on her and that from herself.

I don't really have chances to go to rural places all the time and the animals (pigs dogs chickens) always make me exciting.  We started to talk about the animals which she told me her family have some.  Surprisingly she doesn't really know more than me about them (like what to feed them, how to milk the cows, or how long it takes for them to grow up. ) Later on I heard other volunteers talking that their little friends told them their family farm are not doing well this year due to the drought. I asked my little girl about that and she said she had no idea about her family's.

Therefore I realized she does not have that many knowledges about real rural life.  We used to have an ayi from sichuan some country town that was helping out at my family. She told me she has two girls who were 6 and 9 years old respectively,  both of them can cook really well and also help out a lot with other farm work at home.  I was impressed by how practical rural kids can be even though they may not be as wide eyeshot as city grown kids.

Of course I understand we should never judge people by only these two sides, and I also tried to find out her interests or hobbies. I told her that she could ask me any questions she wants to,  like how the outside world is like , any questions.  She thought for a while , and replied she doesn't know what to ask, and she also told me she does not have any hobbies, except study.  I sometimes consider myself her window to see the outside world before she could do with her own eyes, and I wish I could do more about this.  

The other thing I'm trying hard to do all the time is to find her strong points, and help her to make them bigger. During the second visit It happened. Like I said above I found she is really working hard on school tasks, joined the CYL the first batch in her class, has been selected the leader of it, which means she is willing to help others and has certain management skills. She is a very nice kid.  It seemed I've been expected too much on her? I am just considering how she is going to compete with her same ages outside her little town in the future, I wish her to be outstanding, successful, and happy.  

My boyfriend Paul says I am not her parent and some of my thinking are not my responsibilities. I can see that,  she has her own way of growing up, her own definitions of happy and success, and there might not be THAT much I could do about this.  I agreed I should let go from certain degree.  Dear Randy,  what do you think about this?

Looking forward to your email.

Have a nice weekend. Best.


Miranda

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【美新路·元老勋章】【终身成就勋章】

 楼主| 发表于 2009-9-15 10:24:56 | 显示全部楼层
Hi Miranda,

Thanks for your email, I enjoyed reading it. It seems that your journey with your little friend is developing quite well. I noticed that you were quite mindful during much of the time when you were accompanying your little friend, that is a wonderful achievement by itself, for with mindfulness, you can always choose among the many different choices life offers to us at each moment.


With regard to the question you raised at the last paragraph, I think you gave the answer quite well by yourself : “
I can see that,
she has her own way of growing up, her own definitions of happy and success, and there might not be THAT much I could do about this.

If you remember what we talk about equality and
being an equal friend: “
Be yourself, and let your little friend be him/herself.
It is very hard for us to not passing on our values to others, for we treasure them so much and we live by them everyday! Yet, if we recognize this is only one person’s values out of many, then it seems right to give the choices back to others to experience and choose for themselves.

Wishing you a most joyful and rewarding journey with your little friend.


Randy

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发表于 2009-9-15 10:46:11 | 显示全部楼层
Miranda的热情是很让人感动的!
大概是东西方文化的差异,给她在她的志愿服务中增加了许多难度。不过她所说的内容,怎么像魏欣(还是珍宇来着)提过的呢?
希望她能更放松些,其实她能带给小朋友的特别陪伴可能是其他本土志愿者费尽心思也得不来的。

[ 本帖最后由 mhfnm 于 2009-9-15 10:55 编辑 ]

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发表于 2009-9-15 12:49:29 | 显示全部楼层
笑——有潜移默化的作用!

家人有问题?看这里】   【版主有问题?看这里】  【来领勋章:)】 【聊聊啊!

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发表于 2009-9-15 16:59:32 | 显示全部楼层
在陪伴中不断的提问和反思,这样的旅程对于两个人而言都是新奇和美妙的~
如何做自己不容易,如何让对方做她自己实践起来也不容易,
还好不会放弃这样的调整,越走越成长。。。
美新路官方专用ID。
www.newpathfound.org

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发表于 2009-9-15 17:19:08 | 显示全部楼层

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真的是珍宇啊?我还以为是外国人呢,汗!

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发表于 2009-9-15 17:50:54 | 显示全部楼层
Afternoon Randy, thanks a lot for your kind reply, and I truly hope each volunteers here could benefit from this discussion as much as I do.

It is one of those big challenges that we should try not to passing our values to these little friends, like you said we treasure them so much and live by them everyday !!  

Therefore I think what I could do is that, to offer her an option that she may not get from other approaches. She has the cases around in her environment that her same age kids quit school and start to work as relatively cheap labors. She might talk to them, see how they've been doing, understand it's not a easy way, and develop her own opinions.

Meanwhile she should also know how the outside world is like and what she could do to increase the possibility to experience something different, (This path is not easy either).  I mean, making a decision about which direction to go is one thing, while getting more information to make the decision is another thing I'm talking about here.  Is is will be better for her to make her choice by knowing more options?

Miranda

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发表于 2009-9-15 17:51:51 | 显示全部楼层

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发表于 2009-9-15 17:52:21 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 mhfnm 于 2009-9-15 17:19 发表
真的是珍宇啊?我还以为是外国人呢,汗!


白当你的天使了。。伤心ing。。

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发表于 2009-9-15 20:35:14 | 显示全部楼层
Is is will be better for her to make her choice by knowing more options?

个人认为:这当然是好的啊:)不过,关心她,就是给她需要的,以她希望的方式接近和给予,而不是我们以为和习惯的。呵呵,谢谢珍宇的分享:)
爱出者爱返,福往者福来

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发表于 2009-9-15 20:52:45 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 spring 于 2009-9-15 20:35 发表
Is is will be better for her to make her choice by knowing more options?

个人认为:这当然是好的啊:)不过,关心她,就是给她需要的,以她希望的方式接近和给予,而不是我们以为和习惯的。呵呵,谢谢珍宇的 ...


哈,谢谢宝莉支持~~也欢迎大家积极参与讨论!!

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发表于 2009-9-15 21:09:12 | 显示全部楼层

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都是中国人,弄这洋文俺相当不习惯啊。看着多累啊!

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发表于 2009-9-15 22:38:34 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 mhfnm 于 2009-9-15 21:09 发表
都是中国人,弄这洋文俺相当不习惯啊。看着多累啊!


少谦虚了。。看出来你英文没问题了!!

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发表于 2009-9-15 22:47:29 | 显示全部楼层

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你哪里知道,我是借助百度,不停地查单词,才明白了这些意思。本来这一瓶子就不满,毕业了五年,里面的水也快全蒸发了。

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发表于 2009-9-15 22:55:53 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 mhfnm 于 2009-9-15 21:09 发表
都是中国人,弄这洋文俺相当不习惯啊。看着多累啊!


你就不要在这里灌水啦。。。。

关于小朋友的理想那一段,其实我觉得这是再正常不过的事情了。可能大朋友有时候过于认真了吧,小朋友受年龄和经历的限制,心智什么的都不是很成熟,很多话其实只是说说而已,或者说完自己都忘了曾经这样说过了。大朋友这时候要做的,是如何去分辨。想想我们自己小的时候的理想,不也经常变来变去心血来潮吗?今天想当老师,明天看到帅帅的警察又想当警察,后天杨利伟升空了又想当宇航员。。。。这是再正常不过的童真了。

那么纠结什么呢?成长不过是一个过程罢了。。。。

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 楼主| 发表于 2009-9-16 09:52:29 | 显示全部楼层

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Again, I am hoping to use this kind of discussion to accumulate sharings for volunteers in India, so please allow me to continue the dialogue in English here.

Miranda,
     I think it is an excellent habit  to understand more options before making one's choices,  in addition, I suggest two things for you to consider here:

1)  To allow the little friend to be him/herself, it is better to wait until he/she comes to you and ask your opinions.  When we proactively communicate our opionions to others, it may not be what they need or want to discuss at that point, but when they ask us, they are ready to listen to what we have to say.  

2)  To understand and learn from other's experiences is fine, but I find it is far better for me to experience something myself directly to really know about it. So in addition to learn from experiences of others, I tend to encourage young people to try out different experiences. This is not easy, but if they are truly interested in something, they will ask people for help,  and that is a good time to help them learning how to deal with a problem.
                               Randy.

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QQ
发表于 2009-9-16 10:30:59 | 显示全部楼层
    哈哈,许久没有看到叶先生的帖子啦,心里一阵激动,哈哈,尽管一句也没看懂(俺是英语水平是与单个的字母单打独斗俺还能勉强对付,要是两个以上的字母结成团伙,那俺就只有投降的份啦)。据橙子介绍说:叶先生每次看帖子都很吃力,故建议大家在发贴时一是尽量选择3号或4号字体,二是尽量选择纯黑或其它鲜艳的颜色。目前系统默认的颜色为浅黑色,在字体较多时浏览起来还是很费劲的。
砥砺品学 勤修不倦 信义仁勇 精进惟行

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QQ
发表于 2009-9-16 11:48:15 | 显示全部楼层

回复 17楼 南山 的帖子

把系统默认改成3号,纯黑呢?

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发表于 2009-9-16 13:21:34 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 祖禹 于 2009-9-16 09:52 发表
Again, I am hoping to use this kind of discussion to accumulate sharings for volunteers in India, so please allow me to continue the dialogue in English here.

Miranda,
     I think it is an excell ...


有。。。但不着急给予,等他需要来问时非常愿意与之分享,
同时,鼓励他自己体验,以提高自身解决问题的能力。

呵呵,记得鲁迅先生在《呐喊》自序中的一句话:“我早已过了非说不可的年纪。。。”
印象一直很深刻。。。
爱出者爱返,福往者福来

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发表于 2009-9-16 20:28:18 | 显示全部楼层
哈哈 我也学习了 “It is very hard for us to not passing on our values to others, for we treasure them so much and we live by them everyday! ”
we are not best,but u are unique.
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